deaf and the fly face

Oh Gawd there was this deaf dude that made me nervous and annoyed the shit out of me. You have to be nice to him cause of his misfortune but I hated to be around him cause he talked with his hands and he would flail his arms around like a raver in a club on a triple stak. Anyways I smoked with him one night and what a mistake that was!! Every time I seen him he wanted weed like I was the weed man or something. Just try to explain to a deaf dude the ins and outs of drug buying/selling. He never understood "hit a block" or "come back later". I seen him one night and he got mad at me for not having weed so he gave me a twenty dollar bill and told me in his funny sounding arm flailing voice that if I did not get him weed that he would slap me in the face. He freaked my dog out as well as my mother! Dude was too hyper and that's not good when you cant hear shit. I took his money and told my boy Nathan to hook him up........ well i never heard from him again cause he ripped the deaf dude off and beat his ass after the deaf dude slapped him right in the face. (i warned him) The last I heard the deaf dude got caught breaking in a trailer off E & T circle. (he was talking loud as fuck and the police caught him in the place!) My neighbor is deaf and so is the kid...... creeps me the fuck out! I would never be that much of an ass to make fun of anyone like that but I cant be nice when they cross me just cause of a handicap. I couldn't imagine being that way and am lucky to not be! One thing that shocked me in prison was blind people. What the fuck could a blind person do for the state to decide its better to be in a prison? I hope he didn't sell drugs cause he would get ripped off quite a bit. Life is short and you should make the best of it. Another thing that confuses me is those commercials that show starving kids. Why you asking me for money? Who is in charge of that country and why do they need my help? If you look in the background you will see a desert........ well why are you living in the desert? Move somewhere you can plant crops! Instead of money we should donate birth control. You cant feed yourself but they have 4 and 5 kids with flys flying around there face. Yes i feel bad but just giving money and food does not help anything if they are too stupid. Do I sound like an asshole if I say that I would rather give money to someone right here in town who is down on their luck? Let Madonna and U2 worry about those black kids and lets help people right here in town that need it and will appreciate it. Trust me when I say that .35 cents will not help at all, but if it makes you feel better cause you helped...... then fuck everything else. I want to open a fund and it will be local with local people in need of help. I want to help people out who have non-sexual, non violent charges who get out of prison without a pot to piss in and cant get a job due to felonies. Those people I feel deserve commercials......... without the flies.

Joey

I have a friend named Joey. Me and Joey would probably be in the Guiness Book Of World Records for most chaos caused in a 24 hour period. There was a time or 3 that me and Joey crossed the line and several times had close calls with Police but Joey is my ONLY friend from my past who didn't snitch on me and the ONLY one who didn't turn into a lil bitch (bull). But I can't call him my friend anymore cause I just plain hate to be around him for more than 5 minutes. He knows I know he never talked but he also thinks I owe him something..... Every time I see him he is sloshy ass shitfaced drunk and very annoying. Yes he is homeless and yes I live alone with a empty bedroom (except my ab-lounge) but the mutherfucker can't stay with me! If he knew how to control his mouth when he is buzzed and didn't burn bridges then maybe someone would help. Joey has told me several times he was gonna rob me or kill me in a drunken rage and then I won't talk to him for a few months. You see I'm doing good and I spent 5 years in Africa (prison). So while I was living with monkeys Joey had plenty of time to get his shit together. And my step-father was an alcoholic and I have no respect for weak ass people like that. A A is for pussys! Anyway Joey is known to make suicidal threats...... And I'm known to call bluffs. Every time I tried to dump him off somewhere he started with the "I'm gonna kill myself" routine until one day I just happen to have some rope. I learned how to tie a noose in under 13 seconds in prison. I said "you wanna kill yourself mutherfucker?!" I grabbed his drunk ass and put zip ties on his wrists. I threw the rope over the rafters in my moms shed then told him to stand on 2 milk crates. I put the rope around his kneck and asked if he was ready to go to hell. He started sweating and had wild eyes but I was just playing his stupid game. I fired up a joint and told him that when I kick the milk crates from under him he would be a bitch and change his mind. He said "get me the fuck down" and I said "nope!" Then I kicked the milkcrates and watched him fall to the ground .... We didn't talk for months after that. I have gave him loaded guns and told him to do it in the grass, I have dropped him of in graveyards, and I even bought him a box of sleeping pills and told him to eat all 100 of them! It just goes to show you that alcoholics and suicidal people are in dire need of attention. Yes we had some good times but I have my shit together and don't have patience for drunk suicidal dudes. Fuckhead Gary Evans plays with Joey cause he is so gullible and tells him I snitched on him but if I did that then why isn't he in jail? But he has done some dirty deeds and hate to not have him available. He knocked on my door last night and I yelled "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?" So he is mad. Last time we went out it was to Spurs And Spokes and he almost got me jumped by Ronald whatever the fuck his last is and 3 other losers. Me and my girl dropped him off in the hood and he said "they like me down there"..... He ended up in the hospital just like I figured cause a white dude walking in the hood after dark is a stupid white dude! I have helped him a lot and been there for him but I guess I'm getting older and with age brings maturity. I just get annoyed of the thought of him and don't feel sorry for him cause he don't give a fuck about people attempting to give a fuck about him. He is useful to me cause he tells me all the people who talk shit about me....... I love when do that cause it let's me know I am alive and on someone's mind! It takes skill to be hated by a range of all types of people and I am the best at it! So keep hating me people who have no names and I will keep not caring. And don't piss me off cause I know a dude named Joey that will do anything for a few bucks and a 6 pack....... If he doesn't kill himself first.

Plan B

If I ever get with a girl and start to feel that tingly love feeling - I want to make sure what happened in the past doesn't re-occur. The biggest thing I hate is to be ignored like I'm a pest or something. And it hurts when one day everything is fine and the next day she doesn't even care if I die or not..... Its also confusing and chaos causes confusion..... also brings about injunctions. Don't think I want to cheat..... I just need a plan B. Options are good and when you have none its bad....duh stoopid! This will shock you but when it happened all I thought was it would of been better if she died and that would explain why I was lonely cause she wasn't here anymore...... But when she isn't lonely and is with some other dude laughing....... well it doesn't sound so shocking anymore. My past serious relationships all ended on the drop of a dime and they had cocks lined up swearing they werent cheating.... they just met last night 5 minutes after we broke up. She had a dick in her and I was depressed and I just want a girl to put my dick in when she leaves..... see not so bad

Ecstasy

I was starting college so my boy RATED R wanted me to come stay a week with him in downtown Charleston South Carolina. He was even gonna drive down and pick me up so I couldn't say no. He showed up with this dude who claimed to be married to Jennifer Love Hewitt and we had to listen to fucking "enigma" the whole ride. So we put $1000 deposit on this hotel room right next to the club he was gonna d.j. at. We didn't have to be there til 1:00am! He made money off the door but spent it all buying drinks because any shot is $6! The Hells Angels ran the place. Well I was sitting there and overheard 2 chicks talking about Joe so I told them he was my boy since elementary. By this time he is yelling my name so I brought the girls in the booth. He was gonna take the big one and I was gonna take the one that looked like "Cary" from the Steven King movie. So we hung out til 6 and went to McDonald's. They said they were gonna go again that night and out of the blue we planned to do Ecstasy cause they never done it before. So we get these horse pills called "mollys" that were $60 a piece! I guess it was a triple stack which means 3 hits in one. They show up and the plan was to split the pill with my girl named Roslyn but I ended up eating half and snorting the other half. So everybody got a whole pill. Well wow! What a good clean high! I rubbed a water bottle across my forehead and still felt it hours later. The music was drawing pictures and the bass gave me a full body massage. Well she feels it too cause she is grinding on my dick and sucking my ears. Then out of nowhere she yells as loud as she can "HEY HEY!" so I was like whats wrong and she says "I CANT SEE!" So i go to the d.j. booth and tell Joe and he just wants me to get her out of there. He said there are cops all over the place and I see one looking right at me and I get scared as fuck! So I plan our path out like a football coach. Around the freaks swinging glow sticks, thru the 5 black chicks, over the table laying on its side, then thru a crowd at the door. So we start walking carefully and she just grabs this dude and says "HEY I KNOW..............OH I DONT KNOW YOU!" The dude was cool so we move on and she grabs this black dude and says "I KNOW ..........NOPE I DONT KNOW YOU!" By now Im getting a little pissed and then I see it............ a police officer staring right at us! I pull her close and tell her that she does not know that cop and don't fucking grab him. We make it outside and the car is about 6 blocks away! Well it was a long embarrassing walk! I see her car then out of nowhere she starts doing cartwheels like a retard. I got the key out but now I cant see too good and I was having a hard time fitting the key in the hole. Good thing she didn't see me ruin the lock because I was using the key chain as a key! Then she grabs this dude and she really knew him! Well I timed out her cartwheel and slung her ass in the backseat and got in. It felt like I was in a jet cause it was a 350z. Almost broke my neck taking off! Well I'm trying to focus on the road and then her foot in right in front of my face! I push it out the way and tell her to stop but she just laughs and then pinches the shit out of my face with her toes! Then she cries cause I yelled and I cant tell the grass from the road. We finally get to the hotel and she freaks when I tell her its on the 3rd floor. She wont go on the stairs so I have to piggyback her. I open the door and as soon as we walk in she starts grabbing me and pinching my chest and arms. She keeps saying "I'M REALLY SORRY" then she is fucking me up with her nails but kept saying "REALLY SORRY BOUT THIS. I put on some music and we lay on the bed. Then we start hugging and she says "I LOVE YOU" and starts with the pinching and says "I'M SERIOUS, I FUCKING LOVE YOU!" So she tells me thanks for not trying to fuck her and then we had the most intense sex I ever had! Words cant describe it. Well we are laying there and I'm getting freaked out from her telling me she loves me every 5 minutes so I tell her I would be right back. I wanted to drive that car again! I get in and didn't even notice the sun roof so I opened it and started jumping the speed bumps leading to the highway. Fucking awesome ride! I put on a group I never heard of at the time which was System Of A Down. The first song called "prison" made me want to floor it and next thing I knew I was lost! I had to pee so I stopped at a 7-11 and my ass hurt so bad because I guess the whole time my cell phone was vibrating. I answer it and it was Joe. I told him I was lost and it took me about 3 hours to get to him! Well we got back to the hotel and I didn't want to go in the room cause I thought she would be mad but she ran and hugged me and didn't even know I had left the parking lot. We hung out every minute til I had to come back to Arcadia. Joe lost the $1000 deposit cause I was eating pasta on the bed and spilled it and it looked like someone got killed there! Well I lost touch with her and Joe told me she died not even a whole year after that from brain cancer. But every second I was around she had a smile on her face and that puts a smile on mine.

FUCK BOOKS

Whenever I see a port-a-potty I all ways wonder if there is a fuck book hidden somewhere in there. You wouldn't think it but there are alot of hiding spots in those shit houses. While in prison it was where I relieved stress on many occasions. It was basically the only privacy I ever had while assigned to a work squad outside the gate. On the compound it costs 4 soups to barrow it and hope nobody is on the last toilet. Even then everybody can still see you from the shoulders up. Most black dudes didn't care and would jack off to anything and in front of anybody but I'm not an animal. It still sucks in the port-a-potty cause its hot as fuck and sometimes the do do smell is so bad you have to put a towel over your face. For some strange reason we would find sex magazines all the time on the side of the road like people just rode around with them in their cars and threw them out. And if I'm gonna "gun" a magazine it has to have full on penetration. Those magazines where the dude is holding his dick right over the hole pisses me off! Just put it in! I found a magazine that sold for $100 on the pound called "buttman". It had alot of anal which I don't like but one of the best magazines I ever seen. Sometimes I get pissed off because where are those girls? I don't think they exist. After someone payed $100 for it he put tape on every page and would rent it out. But not the whole magazine, just about 2 or 3 pages! Shit they would even take it to the library and make black and white copies and still get $5 a page. Alot of people were getting those "next door nikki" pics that was as close as you could get without being contraband. But yea there are some sick fuckers in there that will jack off to anything. When times get real tough dudes will jack off to a "readers digest". There was a guy "gunning" the gun tower yelling "yea that hoe be eatin it!" but when a male guard walked out he just said "oh well." It was hard watching tv especially if there was ever a love scene cause they would slap there hands and say shit like : "she fittin to get that meat" or "i wanna eat her asshole" and that would happen on regular commercials. While working on the side of the road I would all ways be the only white guy so I had to listen to them talk all day. A girl would just glance and in their mind she wants some skeet.

CHURCH FREEEKS

CHURCH FREEKS

Ever met somebody who really wanted you to know that they are religious? Like maybe no matter what they done in the past doesn't matter as long as they read the bible. And what about the scumbag who just robbed an old lady, smokes crack, doesn't take care of his kids, and just fucked a hooker but gets mad if you say "goddamn"? Those are the worst! Well I got a bad news.............. You can read the bible 24-7 and still be a piece of shit. No disrespect to those who are religious not just because they got locked up. In jail and prison they force the bible on you and tell you that you cant be sober or stay out of trouble without it. I hate jail house preachers! Its all ways an older black crackhead who gets a bible and starts reading it as soon as he gets locked up but back robbing people the day he gets out. And I love to see white boys with the tattoo "ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME" and are confused when God's name is Judge Hall. The only book your allowed to have is the bible when you transfer or go to lock down. I had razor blades and pictures of naked chicks hidden in mine along with addresses and phone numbers. Its funny cause alot of people cant even follow a Dr. Seuss book but tell me about God's plan. In prison you really don't have much time to eat before they tell you to get the fuck out and I seen a dude sit down, start praying like one of them dudes off the movie "The Exorcist", bless the orange like a retard, give a couple hail marys, and by the time he got his glass of juice it was time to go and he didn't get to eat. I told him God would understand if he didn't pray right away for the beef-o-roni and maybe at the end of the day just say thanks for the 3 meals during the day. I was in the cell with another white man and that's like winning the lottery so we became friends and were both new to prison. We would stay up all night talking about life on the street, pussy, cars, you know regular shit. Well one night they were showing that "Passion of Christ" deal but the crowd was a little to dark because all they heard was "movie." So I told him I wasn't going. He came back later and had a stack of them boring ass watchtower magazines and didn't want to talk. They called church and I didn't go again so that night he came back and said to me "Man you just don't got it figured out do ya? Gods gonna take care of me!" I was amazed that 2 times in church and he has something figured out. Well I can tell he is turning into one of them asshole bible thumpers and I start to question if maybe he is doing this cause maybe his charge was worse than he told me. You know those church freeks are all ways fucking little boys, just look at all the jokes about catholic preachers. Well one night they yelled something over the intercom and I asked what they called. He just looks at me then back to his bible, so I ask him again if he heard what they called and he stands up, slings his bible at the wall and screams "ITS CALLED RESPECT! YOU DONT TALK TO SOMEONE WHILE THEY ARE READING THE BIBLE!" I was thinking was this guy serious? Well we didn't talk for weeks and I noticed he was picking cigarette butts up and rolling them cause he had no money. The first time he spoke to me in weeks was to ask me if I could get him some smokes til whenever. Well I had to do it........... I said "I'm sure God will help ya buddy!" One time there was this black dude who would just yell out bible verses, well this dude takes off all his cloths and yells "I AM GOD, GIVE ME MY CHILDREN" we all clapped when the came in and slammed him on the ground and cuffed him up. I worked with this weirdo that asked me to go to church with him and I all ways had an excuse why I couldn't. Well he shows up at my mom's house right after I smoked a joint and I couldn't think of a excuse so I get in his truck and we head off. He turns on this horrible shit called something Franklin and said he made the cd for me. So we show up in Nocatee and as we are getting out the truck he says "by the way its Pentecostal" and I said "penna what?" We walk in and they had a band gettin down! Girls everywhere and everybody is so nice. Well the dude comes out and makes us sing the longest fucking song I ever heard! So he starts talking then out of the fucking blue he goes "SHAMA SHAMA LAKA LAKA" and this old ass dude falls on me and some old lady is chewing on my sleeve and crying! The dude on the floor starts grabbing my pants and I look over and say real loud "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK" then pushed the lady off me and stepped over the fucking guy having a seizure and walked outside. About 30 minutes later my friend came out and told me it wasn't for some people. I just told him to take me the fuck home and I didn't wanna say bye to the retards inside the church. I know a girl who would suck a dick for a hit of meth but the minute she put on that ugly ass dress that goes to her ankles she is a decent girl. Everybody tells me to go to church to meet a girl and I plan on it! We need more Jim Jones guys to clean up shop.

STILL PART II

• STILL A BIG FAN OF THE CHOCHA
• STILL OFF DRUGS AND DIDN'T NEED A BIBLE
• STILL LISTEN TO EAST 1999
• STILL LEAVE ONE BITE ON MY PLATE
• STILL RUN THOSE RED LIGHTS IN FRONT OF THE COURTHOUSE
• STILL CHECK THE DESOTO CO. JAIL WEBSITE ARRESTS IN THE LAST 24 EVERYDAY
• STILL THINK AA IS FOR WEAK MINDED LOSERS
• STILL TRYING TO FIND OUT THE NAMES OF THE BOYS OFFICER BENNET CORNHOLED
• STILL THROW CIGARETTES AT THE PRISONERS WORKING ON THE SIDE OF ROAD
• STILL AM CONVINCED AMOCO PUTS COCAINE IN THE SWEET TEA
• STILL DONT NEED VIAGRA LIKE SHAWN SHOEMAKER
• STILL WANNA TAKE LSD AND GO TO DISNEY WORLD
• STILL BUMP MILLI VANNILLI
• STILL SCARED OF PALMETTO BUGS
• STILL HATE MORNING PEOPLE
• STILL HAVE MY 3 DAY ANTI-SOCIAL SPELLS
• STILL LOVE THE SMELL OF A SKUNK
• STILL GET HORNY WHEN I SMELL COTTON CANDY
• STILL CANT GROW A BEARD
• STILL REFUSE TO WATCH ANY MOVIE WITH L.L. COOL J IN IT
• STILL NOT PHASED BY THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
• STILL HANG UP ON ANSWERING MACHINES
• STILL AM AMAZED AT MY PS3
• STILL CANT POOP IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM
• STILL LOOKING FOR DONNA TURNBULL
  
• STILL WOULD RATHER DIE THEN GO BACK TO AFRICA (PRISON)
• STILL THINK A BETTER NAME FOR LADIES NIGHT AT THE LOADING ZONE SHOULD BE "BUNCH OF LEZBOS NIGHT"
  
• STILL CANT TAKE THE LAST SWALLOW OF A BEER
• STILL SLEEP WITH A PILLOW OVER MY EYES
• STILL DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT LEARNING SPANISH
• STILL TEAR UP WHEN WATCHING INTERVENTION
  
• STILL THINK CUSSING KIDS ARE FUNNY
• STILL HAVE A DREAM OF BEING A BAIL BONDSMEN
  
• STILL A PUSSY WHEN IT COMES TO NEEDLES
• STILL TURN MY BASS UP WHEN I SEE THE POLICE
• STILL NOT SURE WHERE I WAS BORN
• STILL SMELL THE STRING AFTER I FLOSS
• STILL PLAYERHATE
• STILL THINK LAW ENFORCEMENT WANTS CITIZENS TO KILL CHILD MOLESTERS
• STILL WANNA CHECK ON ADOPTING A 16 YEAR OLD ASIAN GIRL
• STILL CANT THINK OF A REASON TO GO IN THE HOOD
• STILL THINK MEXICANS SHOULD ONLY DATE THE FAT UGLY WHITE GIRLS
• STILL SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH GAY BASHING
• STILL WONDER WHY THEY STAYED AFTER ALL THE ORANGES WERE PICKED
• STILL LAUGH WHEN I THINK ABOUT OLE SHAWN GETTING SLOPPY LEFTOVERS
• STILL WONDER HOW THE FUCK IS DESOTO RESTAURANT STILL OPEN
• STILL DARE A PRISON GUARD TO TELL ME TO DO SOMETHING
• STILL HATE PEOPLE WHO TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO
• STILL WONDER WHY SCOTT BONVILLE TURNED A RETARD
• STILL AM AMAZED AT HOW MUCH MY BOY OF 15 YEARS (BULL) TURNED INTO A HO
• STILL NEVER BEEN IN RADIO SHACK HERE]
• STILL THINK COCAINE IS NOT THE REASON MARTY LOOKS LIKE SHIT
• STILL WISH I COULD GET DEALS LIKE RYAN GETS
• STILL THINK THE LANDLORDS FAT WIFE FROM WOODSIDE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE
• STILL WISH MY DAD WOULD REALIZE I AM HIS CUM AND HELP ME OUT A LITTLE
• STILL WONDERING WHY PEOPLE HAVE TO GO TO THE HOODS AND CLEAN GARBAGE EVERYDAY
• STILL PUZZLED HOW A DUDE WITH 12 KIDS AND NO JOB EVEN GOT PAST 6 KIDS
• STILL WANNA BANG A CHINESE HOOKER